I'm so freakin' stupid. Why can't I do this? I've been trying so hard and putting God at the center of this. Why do I keep messing up? Why can't I just stick with my guns and keep saying no? Why isn't this helping as much as I thought it would? Why am I not strong enough? I don't freakin' know any of these answers, I just know I'm tired of messing up... Yeah last Sunday when I wrote we wouldn't mess up Friday, I was right, maybe I don't know yet, but freakin' Thursday I did mess up... Why am I so stupid?
Sorry, no one likes to hear self pity, but I really just wanted to express how I was feeling, which was very negative and I know I'm suppose to be positive, but it's so hard. I'm trying and trying and trying, but no matter what I mess up. Why the freakin' heck does this keep happening? What am I doing wrong with this whole waiting thing? Apparently everything, because nothing I'm doing is working. Here we go with the self pity/negativity again. Sorry.
Okay, so today's (yesterday's now) verse...
James 1:12 God
blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward
they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who
love him.NLT
God is faithful. If I learn to patiently endure this temptation once I'm in heaven I will receive a reward. The crown of life. While I'm not sure what exactly the crown of life is I know it'll be an awesome reward. If I died today I wouldn't receive it for sure. There's no way God would give me a reward for impatiently waiting. Just because I'm waiting for marriage doesn't mean I'm waiting patiently. I really need to start waiting patiently. Honestly, I don't even care about the reward. I just want God to be pleased with me, I want him to be pleased with how I lived my life. I want God to say "Well done, my good and faithful servant"... Day Fourteen Failed.
105 Days Left.
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